We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
we should paint friendship bongs
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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