you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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