Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
