I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
