i just wanna soil my oats bro
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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