Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
