I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
