I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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