I accidentally had phone sex last night
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
