chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
