Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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