I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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