Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize