just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You took a bar mat shot.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
