yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
