If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
