I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize