i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Drunk is not a location!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
