Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
