sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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