I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
