Your face is a jimmy john
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
