just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
