I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he puts the penis in happiness.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
