This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
