I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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