Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
