He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
