My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
