The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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