She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
