I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
