life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
