i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
