I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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