I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
