We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
