I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
