I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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