She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
