You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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