So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
