Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
