i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
ugly people sure do ruin things
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
