Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
