I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the condom got lost in my hair
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
