Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
