I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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