Already got asked if we're dating
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
