I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
