so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
