there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize