my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
as a side note pls kill me
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
