Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
