Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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