The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
