just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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