I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
