I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
