Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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