Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
