Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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